Suicidal

How can I survive a suicide bereavement?

 

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• Why has this happened?
• How can I survive a suicide bereavement?
• How can I tell others about the suicide?
• Contacts

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• The following information is taken from the Scottish Association for Mental Health's After a Suicide booklet, which can be downloaded directly from their website www.samh.org.uk

Why has this happened?

How can I survive a suicide bereavement?

Suicide has profound effects on immediate family and close friends. The sense of loss and shock can be overwhelming. The following may help you or someone else to cope with such an event.

• Know you can survive. You may not think so, but you can
• Struggle with "why" it happened until you no longer need to know "why" or until you are satisfied with partial answers
• Know you may feel overwhelmed by the intensity of your feelings but all your feelings are completely normal
• Anger, guilt, confusion, forgetfulness are common responses. You are not crazy, you are in mourning
• Be aware you may feel appropriate anger at the person, at the world, at God, at yourself. It's okay to express it
• You may feel guilty for what you think you did or did not do. Guilt can turn into regret, through forgiveness
• Having suicidal thoughts is common. It does not mean that you will act on those thoughts
• Remember to take one moment or one day at a time
• Find a good listener with whom to share. Call someone if you need to talk
• Don't be afraid to cry. Tears are healing
• Give yourself time to heal
• Remember, the choice was not yours. No one is the sole influence in another's life
• Expect setbacks. If emotions return like a tidal wave, you may only be experiencing a remnant of grief, an unfinished piece
• Try to put off major decisions
• Give yourself permission to get professional help
• Be aware of the pain of your family and friends
• Be patient with yourself and with others who may not understand
• Set your own limits and learn to say no
• Steer clear of people who want to tell you what or how to feel
• Know that there are support groups that can be helpful, such as Survivors of Suicide groups. If not, ask a professional to help start one
• Call on your personal faith to help you through
• It is common to experience physical reactions to your grief, e.g. headaches, loss of appetite, inability to sleep
• The willingness to laugh with others and at yourself is healing
• Wear out your questions, anger, guilt, or other feelings until you can let them go. Letting go doesn't mean forgetting
• Know that you will never be the same again, but you can survive and even go beyond just surviving.

From the book 'My Son My Son' by Iris M Bolton

How can I tell others about the suicide?

Some survivors struggle with what to tell other people. Although you should make whatever decision feels right to you, most survivors have found it best to simply acknowledge that their loved one died by suicide. Sometimes, you will find that those closest to you will be nervous with the truth but that is ok. Those that shy away, simply lack understanding of suicide. Telling the truth can help others understand and it helps fight the stigma of suicide.

You may find that it helps to reach out to family and friends. Because some people may not know what to say, you may need to take the initiative to talk about the suicide, share your feelings, and ask for their help. And remember. It's ok to cry.

Even though it may seem difficult, maintaining contact with other people is especially important during the stress-filled months after a loved one's suicide. We need someone who will be supportive to help hold us up.

Each person grieves in his or her own way. Some people visit the cemetery weekly; others find it too painful to go at all. Some become workaholics and some can not find the strength to go to work. Be patient and gentle with yourself. If you feel you are completely overwhelmed, seek professional help.

Each person also grieves at his or her own pace; there is no set rhythm or timeline for healing. Some people will skip some steps and never feel some of the emotions.

Anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays may be especially difficult, so you might want to think about whether to continue old traditions or create some new ones. You may also experience unexpected waves of sadness; these are a normal part of the grieving process.

Children experience many of the feelings of adult grief, and are particularly vulnerable to feeling abandoned and guilty. Reassure them that the death was not their fault. Listen to their questions, and try to offer honest, straightforward, age-appropriate answers. It is better for them to hear the truth from you than someone who may present the facts in a not so kind manner.

Some survivors find comfort in community, religious, or spiritual activities, including talking to a trusted member of the clergy. Talking is a wonderful outlet for all that we have pent up inside.

Be kind to yourself. When you feel ready, begin to go on with your life. Eventually starting to enjoy life again is not a betrayal of your loved one, but rather a sign that you've begun to heal. This is not to say that you have forgotten them. Your loved one would want you to be content and even feel joy. They would not want you to be condemned to the same intense pain in which they suffered.

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